Yesterday was a full day – full of grace and love and support – but I did not want to be at the hospital. Not one bit. Each thing that i had to do felt too much. That makes everything harder. I had a CT followed immediately by an hours MRI then home via Dorios for lunch 🙂 then back for an x ray and meeting with the surgeon. Genny is a miracle worker and was able to re-arrange our schedule on the fly so that we were unloading at home before our last appointment was scheduled to start.
it took me a long to unwind when i got home. At 5:00 when it was time for evening prayer i was still wound tight as a clock. In evening prayer I was given a word of the Lord via Richard Wagamese and his tremendous book Embers. This was the gift:
I no longer want to be resilient. I don’t want to simply bounce back from things that hurt me or cause me pain. Bouncing back means returning to where I stood before. Instead, I want to go beyond the hurts and darkness. The first step toward genuine healing from my mental illness was when I came to trust and believe there was a beyond. Now I reach for beyond every day, in every encounter, in every circumstance. I seek to go where I have not travelled. I wake with a vision of a purposeful day, filled with adventures and teachings. Then I take the first step and try to make it beyond.